Suicidal Dreams

Poems and Journal Entries

Self Harm Survey 2
How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started.
- I've been self-harming since I was eleven going onto twelve, so around Middle school. I started because I was already being bullied for being quiet or was it because I was Asian? I can't really pinpoint why I was someone's target for emotional abuse. Then acne started happening and I was alienated even more. Former classmates that I knew for so long, began looking at me like I was a freak and wouldn't even want to sit next to me or even talk to me. I had to keep this a secret from my parents because I knew it wouldn't matter to them unless it was about my grades.

I didn't know how I knew about cutting. I probably started hurting myself by punching walls and then one day I thought that I needed more pain to deal with what I was feeling mentally.

What part of your body is most affected by it?
- Wrists and forearms.

What is your motivation to recover?
- I don't have one. If I stop one day, then I stopped.

Do you consider yourself 'addicted'? Why or why not?
- I used to have an addiction when I overdosed on pills and just recently with cutting. But now, rather than an addiction, it's more of an instinct? I don't get as crazy when I can't find my scissors or pills on time to sate that uncomfortable feeling I get.

What part of self-harm do you dislike the most?
- The pain.

What about it do you enjoy?
- The fact that it can help me forget my mental pain with physical pain.

List ten activities that help you calm down.
- Listening to music, reading, and writing fiction helps me the most.

What's the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self-harm?
- There's none. There has been, but it didn't seem supportive to me.

Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
- I have. Only once did I feel the need to take a picture of it. Whenever I self-harmed by cutting, I never got my cuts to the point where blood was obvious. I always cut shallowly where you can see the tiniest bit of blood because I was afraid of the pain that follows. But this certain day, I couldn't control my urge and self-harmed to the point where the blood was so obvious that it made me happy. I was so happy that I had finally cut deep enough to draw more than a few beads of blood.

How do you feel about your scars?
- Disappointed. There are a couple of scars, but they're so thin that it's barely visible unless you're focused on it.

Strangest place you've ever injured yourself?
- In a classroom full of students.

Where do you keep your tools?
- In my bag.

What is the biggest realization about self-harm you've had?
- Having an addiction to self-harm is scary.

Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
- Nope. I want to recover on my own terms, not based on someone else.

Do you visit any websites about self-harm? If so, what are they?
- They're really not self-harm websites. They're tumblr blogs posting about self-harm quotes from people. It makes me feel that I'm not alone and that self-harm is not a shameful thing.

What advice would you give to someone about self-harm?
- To not do it. They shouldn't even start, because if it becomes a pleasure to them, then it will become an addiction.

Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
- I did. The last I heard, she was getting better and seeing her now through pictures of her having a job, learning ballet, and hanging with family with a bright smile on her face, I hope that her self-harm tendencies are slowly being forgotten.

List five reasons that recovery is worth it.
- To see TVXQ! and JYJ become friends publicly again.

What is the most vivid memory that you have of self-harm?
- When I overdosed with the intent to die, but stopped halfway due to my gag reflex.

Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
- I haven't consciously stopped myself. I have a more 'I don't care' approach. If I happen to kill myself while self-harming, then I killed myself. If I don't and survive, then I survived.

Where do you feel the most calm?
- Surrounded by nature and ocean/lakes/rivers/beach.

What is your favorite inspirational quote?
- Can't think of one at the moment.

What are some of your main triggers?
- Being inadequate. Being blamed on. When I fail to meet the expectations of myself and others. And when I let myself fall deep into misery where I feel uncomfortable and need to do something about it to take it away.

Do you know any statistics about self harm?
- That most of the people that self harm are females.

What is something that makes you the most happy?
- Food? Not sure.

Discuss any and all progress that you have made.
- I don't self harm as much as I used to back when it first started. Instead of almost everyday, now it's about 3-4 times a month.

Journal Entry #6: What Is Making You Mad?

Lately, my dad has been making me mad inside. I mean, I always had a grudge on my dad ever since I could remember. But these days, my dad has made me so irritated that I can't control my anger around him anymore.

People would say to just turn the other cheek and I tried. I would turn the other cheek for the first few times it happened and then my patience is gone. I blow a casket. Seriously, it's like I married him instead of my mom and even they have good moments sometimes in between their constant bickering. While my dad and I butt heads ... A LOT. Power issues maybe? He likes to control people and tells them what to do, while I hate having people do that to me. I want to be my own boss and do what I feel is best for me. That's the number one reason why we don't get along very well.

I used to hate him for controlling my career life and I still do somewhat, but it has sizzled down. Now, my newfound anger has stemmed from his stubborn side. He likes to eat a lot ... to the point where his health has become an issue lately. He complains of back pains, ankle swellings, dry mouth, and lots of mucus in his throat. He eats all of these foods that are full of sodium and sugar despite my mom warning him. He ignores her and continues to eat until something happens to him. When something happens, he would tell my mom that he can't walk anymore or his back hurts and my mom would tell him time and time again that it's because of his eating habits and he would say that it wasn't because of the junk food (it is), but because of him eating rice.

He thinks eating rice is the reason why his ankle is swelling and his back hurts. Right ... He eats brown rice and sometimes oatmeal mixed with brown rice. He never eats white rice ... If white rice was the problem ... then the rest of the family should be having that problem, right? No. Just him. And it's all because of him binge eating snacks left and right. We tried to tell him, but he hears it as nagging and not as us being worried and trying to help him to get healthier.

He's been gaining weight a lot and we're really worried about him, but he can't see that and it's making my mother really frustrated to the point where she doesn't care about him anymore. I even want to pull my ears out whenever I hear him complain about something as if he doesn't know why those things happened to him ... As if food would never harm your body ... but it does. Your body needs a balance of different foods to be able to work properly and too much of one thing is bad.

Even though he tells us that he's not worried about his health, he would spend hundreds of dollars on different medication (for diabetes, bone health, heart health, and diet pills)... He takes four different medication each day ... All of them are unnecessary IF he would stop binge eating. But he doesn't. He thinks medication is magic. He thinks that if he takes one diet pill, it would take away all of the fats, sodium, and sugars he consumed that day. And he consumes more than 2,000-3,000 calories each day. Unfortunately, he doesn't know that a diet pill only burns a certain amount of calories away and not ALL. The diet pill will only work to help get rid of excess fat, salts, and sugars if it is coupled with eating healthy and exercising. But he doesn't lessen his eating habits and he doesn't exercise either, thus in the end, he complains that the diet pill doesn't work because he isn't losing weight and I want to bash my face in. It's so frustrating with him! I don't know how anyone can get through to him. I'm almost giving up on him on this issue.


However, the reason why I wanted to write this entry isn't because of his eating problems ... but because of his sleeping problem. He says that he doesn't have enough time to sleep because he gets about 4-6 hours of sleep due to him having to wake up at 6:30am and him getting home around 7pm. But even as he says this, he doesn't want to sleep early. He wants to stay up late and watch his TV until midnight or even 1am. Even when he's dozing off, he would try to focus on watching more. He would even eat something to help keep him awake. And because of him being so selfish ... he would be half awake when he's driving the next morning. And it's very dangerous for anyone to be driving while half asleep.

In the news a month ago or two months ago, a family of eight was driving to Disneyland from Texas (?) and one of the sons was driving and he apparently fell asleep at the wheel and the family got into a car accident. Everyone died except for three children. My dad ... he honestly doesn't care that he's driving half asleep. It has become noticeable for the past half year that his reflexes have become slow and it's not fast enough to be able to turn the wheel in time to avoid an accident.

My dad recently almost got into an accident with a side metal railing and a traffic cone with me in the passenger's seat. I know that if I call him out on it, he gets really offensive and angry. So I would ignore it, even if he swerves in and out of lanes, or breaks in the middle of the road, or slows down suddenly. But after a handful of mistakes like that, I get angry and I would tell him to stop sleeping and focus on the road. He yells at me and tells me that he wasn't sleeping and that he was just waiting for the perfect chance to switch lanes. That's so not true! I saw it with my own two eyes of him actually falling asleep at the wheel. But he says that he's not sleeping and really, it just makes me so mad when he denies the obvious. If he would just come out with the truth and said that yes, he was sleepy, I wouldn't get that mad with him about it. But he just denies it when it's the truth.

I know that you might think, 'Well ... why don't you drive to school yourself then?' I don't like driving. I didn't get my driver's license of my own accord. My parents forced me to get it. They both know I don't like driving. I have a fear of driving and it does not bode well with my anxiety issues.

I used to sit in the car with my dad and not get worried about anything. But after the past two weeks of almost getting into a car accident, has me worried. I can't even focused on what I'm doing, whether it's listening to my music or studying because I have to be on alert for any slight movements that indicates my dad sleeping behind the wheel.

Whenever those slightly mistakes happen, he would laugh it off as if it was something funny. I didn't think it was funny at all. I thought it was dangerous and that we could have gotten hurt. Even the other day while my dad was driving me to school, the drive had been fine until the last second right before I got out of the car. He was supposed to slow down and stop to let me off. I had taken my seatbelt off to get out and the next second we hit the ledge of the sidewalk so hard, that I bruised my left pinky and my right wrist on the dashboard. It wasn't serious as the pain was gone a few minutes later, but my dad laughed at that. How was me getting hurt a funny thing? I was really hurt and angry inside. Shouldn't someone be sorry at that moment? Is it something that someone should be laughing about?

Despite him being so nonchalant about the tiny accident, I wished my dad would listen to us a lot more. We're trying to care for him, but he's like a stubborn little child that doesn't want to listen to anyone and just does what he likes until he gets hurt and demands attention from someone. It's really hard for us to take care of someone like that. My mom and I have an inside joke between us about him not having an adult brain that can actually think logically and make decisions well, but instead has no brain at all. If he had a brain, then it would be an immature child's brain at that.

But even though I am frustrated with him, I can't help but worry about his health. He needs to be able to take care of himself instead of letting others take care of him. He's not a child anymore. He's an adult and he really should act like someone who knows what he's doing and accepts the consequences of his actions. To me, he doesn't seem like a dad, but more like a baby that needs to be taken care of 24/7.

Journal Entry #5: What Memories Did You Think About Today?

Today during Psychology class, we talked about Bullying and Suicide and it brought back memories of my childhood from when I was five-years old until I was thirteen-years old. I thought back to how every single school year during that time, I was bullied by someone new without fail. Because I had no friends and was timid, it made it easier for people to take advantage of me. There were even moments of sexual harassment during Middle school. But because I tried asking a teacher for help when I was younger and they did nothing about it, I've learned over time to never trust an authority figure. It also didn't help my self-esteem growing up when even in my own household, I didn't feel safe as well. I had nowhere I could be myself without someone wanting to push me around and control me. Eventually I developed depression from all my pent up emotions that I had internalized because I had no one I could confide in. From depression, I started self-harming and eventually tried to commit suicide twice, both which ended in failure.

But what made me really believe that I couldn't trust an adult figure, was when my parents found out I had depression and they tried to make me feel inferior, stating that I was too young to feel "depressed" and that I'm just going through a phase and that the people who should be feeling depressed is themselves because they had to work hard from the bottom up to make a decent life for us kids. I thought I would get some emotional support, to help me understand and sort my feelings out. Instead I was met with the cold truth, that they didn't care about what I was going through emotionally as long as I got that good grade in school because they needed that confirmation. They wanted to see that they did their job in raising us kids. They only cared about their status, never caring if their children was emotionally okay. But I've learned over time to not expect anything from my parents. I don't expect love from them or any words of encouragement anymore. Even though I still desperately want it.

Journal Entry # 4: What is something that you would let your children do, that you weren't allowed?
I thought I would have an answer to this, but after really thinking about it ... I don't have anything. There wasn't anything that my parents forbid us to do. When we were young, we weren't allowed to hang out with our friends, but as we got older and are in college, they released the reigns on us a bit, believing that we are able to think for ourselves whether we're in the right crowd or know when something is good or bad. Everything that they forbid us to do back then, we could do now. It's up to us whether or not we still want to do those things.

I think the things that I want to change when I have kids, is to be a better parent around them. I don't want them to grow up in an environment where there is so much negativity. I don't want them to experience what I had to go through. I remember when the adults around us, yelled or screamed or swore at each other, they would do it in front of us. They wouldn't hide anything at all. It was a traumatic experience for me and I think it will be for everyone else as well at such a young age. I also want to be able to build my kid's self-confidence rather than stifle it and limit their ability to experience many things and find out what their real talents are. It's better to see a kid smile and be outgoing than see a kid sad and always holed up in their room.

I know every parent just wants their children to be happy, but catch yourself when talking to your kid. If you tell them to do something that you, yourself wouldn't do ... then it's better not to say anything at all.

LGBT Survey
Your sexual orientation or gender identity.
- It fluctuates between Bisexual and Homo-Romantic Bisexual. For those that don't know what a Homo-Romantic Bisexual is, it's a person that likes the same sex in a romantic and sexual way, while liking the opposite sex just sexually. You can see my dilemma here in my Tumblr blog post. (Might have to turn down the volume since my blog has music)

Did you have any experiences as a child that foreshadowed your sexuality?
- Not that I'm aware of? But I guess you can say my lack of femininity ... I'm sort of a tomboy. Sort of as in I don't like wearing make-up, dresses, shorts, skirts, heels, but I do like painting my nails or growing my hair long like most girls do. So I'm a mixture?

How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?
- If you read the link to my tumblr post in the first question, I first realized that I liked the same-sex when I was 17-years old. It was an eye-opening, scary, confusing moment all at once. It was a punch in the gut, really. I never had that experience with any of the boy crushes I had before. Because it was around that time that I realized that there was such a thing as Gay people (even though there was a GSA club at my school), that everything about it was new to me. Accepting gay people came natural to me, so to be one myself was shocking and difficult to comprehend.

I remember being confused and asking myself why I'm suddenly having feelings for a girl. I think I blocked the feeling and buried it far, far away because for the next five years after that, it was as if that moment never happened. It wasn't until late 2011, when I experienced yet again another "crush" on a girl that everything that had been buried, came back up to the surface. I couldn't even ignore my feelings for the same-sex because it wasn't just a one time thing or mistake. Ever since my feelings for girls came back, I saw the female gender in a different light. Before, I would get jealous of girls, thinking how stuck up they were with wearing shorts and revealing clothing. But now, instead of looking at their clothing and thinking how slutty and attention-seeking they looked, I saw their personality, I saw how they carried themselves in public, how cute and attractive they were. It was then, that I realized that I was actually starting to like the same-sex the same way that I did with the opposite sex and over time, I slowly kind of accepted it.

The first person you came out to and that story.
- I think I already told this story before, but in case you didn't hear it ... here it is. The first person I told was the guy that gave me my first kiss. I knew he liked me back in high school, but after two years, I thought he had gotten over his feelings for me. I was right ... he did got over me ... but after spending a few hours with him, his feelings for me came back.

The atmosphere was good, I can't remember what we were talking about before I came out to him, but I remember saying that I liked girls. I was unsure at the time since it was just two years after my first girl crush, but I was so confident about it. After I told him that I liked girls, he suddenly proposed a way for me to stop liking girls and to revert me to liking guys again. Oblivious and naïve as I was, I initially thought that he would give me a list of things I could do to stop thinking about girls in that way. Wouldn't people think that first? Or is it just me? But I was wrong. Instead, he kissed me, hoping that it'll sway me to like guys again. I was caught off-guard, so it took me a few seconds to jerk back. He apologized when he found out that it was my first kiss. I wasn't angry that he stole my first kiss, but relieved? I considered him a good friend, so I didn't mind. But yeah, I still would like to know how to stop liking girls ... in a list format this time.

Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality. Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
- For a brief moment at the beginning stages of coming to terms with the possibility of liking girls, I did wonder why. But after a while, I just stopped thinking altogether and just let things happen naturally. I didn't self-harm when I found out that I liked girls. Like I stated before, I accepted the LGBT people as if they were normal human beings, so I never saw them as anything different.

Did you face any problems regarding religion?
- I think it was because I didn't grow up in a religious household, that it made things easier for me to accept people who were LGBT. And maybe having a crush on your male friend who rejected you because they were gay, also helped in cushioning the blow. But regarding if people used religion towards me ... I haven't necessarily come out of the closet to actually see an effect.

How your parents took it or how you think they might take it?
- I think they'll react the same way they did when they found out I had Depression. Anything different that could damage the "beautiful" image they put out to the world and to our relatives, they like to brush under the rug. They'll try to convince me that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm perfectly normal. I rather not get rejected once again. And after seeing a few instances with my Dad and his interaction with gay things, I can say for sure that he's disgusted by them, while my mom doesn't think that they're disgusting, just confused about it because she had never seen a gay person before so she doesn't understand why they're gay. She thinks it's wrong because it is.

Besides, it's not like I haven't hinted at the fact that I'm not necessarily straight. I have hinted on many occasions, especially when they bring up marriage. Thankfully, they haven't asked about getting a boyfriend because they believe that having a career first is a must. But when they talk about having kids, I would always say that I wouldn't have kids of my own or that I wouldn't get married. My mom rebuttal saying that my Uncle used to say that he didn't want kids and now he has twins. I told her that it's different because I'm female and he's male. He doesn't have the problem of bearing the child so it's easy for him to change his mind about wanting children. Whereas for me, I definitely don't want a child of my own. I rather adopt than pop a baby out of me.

Self Harm Survey
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Label yourself (Prep, Goth, Druggie, Weirdo, Emo, etc.): Loner

How long have you been cutting?
- About two years?

Favorite tool?
- Scissors.

Where do you cut (Home, School, Work, etc.)?
- Usually at home and on rare occasions at school.

Do you have to hide your arms and legs?
- Not really, since I don't cut as deep. Unless my emotions get out of control, maybe I might need to hide them.

What's your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?
- I don't have an excuse. There's only been one person who has seen my scars and that was a clinic nurse. I had totally forgotten that I had a scar on my wrist and I showed her my arm for her to give me my vaccine and I looked down the same time she did and I realized that my scar was obvious against my pale skin. I was worried about what she might say about it, but she didn't look accusingly at me, just calmly asked me if I wanted to use my other arm and I told her "No" because I didn't want to feel ashamed about my cutting.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?
- Two at the moment. The third scar is starting to fade.

Are you diagnosed with Depression or Bipolar Personality Disorder?
- Diagnosed with clinical depression back in 2009.

Who knows that you cut?
- My best friend Ayame. I would've never told her about my self-harm, if it wasn't for the fact that her little sister had started to self-harm as well and she was telling me how frustrated and confused she was about her sister's behavior. I wanted to give her an insight into what her sister must've felt when both her mother and older sister attacked her because they didn't understand why she did what she did. I told her that they shouldn't back her into a corner and that they should give her some breathing space and make her feel more comfortable and be understanding when asking why she is cutting. The last time I checked up with my best friend, she said that her little sister is slowly getting better.

Have you ever been caught cutting?
- Nope, but I did get caught overdosing a few times. I guess it wasn't smart to take the pills in front of my parents ...

Did you have a good childhood?
- Nope. Not at home nor at school. It was miserable all around.

Why do you cut?
- The reason why I cut now is to draw attention away from overdosing. I was starting to get addicted to overdosing and I needed to stop. I didn't like cutting before because I hated the pain and the sight of blood. Now, I got used to it.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or a counselor?
- Not willingly. I didn't even realized I had Depression. Honestly, I didn't know what Depression was. I thought my self-hatred was something normal and that being down and sad for weeks on end is normal. So when my counselor of my previous college approached me and sat me down in her office, I realized what I had was serious. So she suggested that I see a Psychiatrist and Psychologist from a university campus. The sessions I took were for free because the school sought them out rather than I did.

The sessions helped a little, since I didn't break down in tears at the mention of my family or my progress in school a few weeks later. However, I did lie on some of the things they asked me, like about my overdosing and suicidal tendencies. I downplayed the number of times for both of them because I didn't want them to see me as a person who really wants to end her life. I strictly took the anti-depressants for three months before my parents found out and forced me to stop seeing them. The year following that incident, I didn't experience any emotions at all. I was emotionless for that whole year until I relapsed in early 2012. Since that day, I never saw a therapist again even though my overdosing and cutting started up again.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?
- Many, many times. But for the serious ones where I did it because I desperately wanted to die ... I'd say about twice?

What are your views on cutting and other self-injury?
- It's self-destructive and very addicting, so for those that feel like you want to self-harm, I suggest you do something else that'll release your emotions like draw, or punch a pillow, or scream, or even write.

Do you want to die?
- My answer from 2003 has not changed at all. I still want to die so desperately.

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting or self-injury?
- No, but I did start on a project for my Communication/Speech class a year ago on the topic of Depression. I conducted a survey on my classmates and was surprised that out of twenty students, two of them have never experienced depression before. But I didn't go through with the project in the end because my anxiety kicked in.

Do you dream about cutting?
- Not in the conscious sense ... But I did have a dream one night where I dreamt of cutting myself with scissors and was disappointed that the blade of one end of the scissors had become blunt due to the countless cuttings, so I turned the scissors over and began to use the other side.

When did you first start self-harming?
- Back in 2003 ... So when I was 13-years old in middle school.

When you first started self-harming, did you have a reason?
- To hurt myself.

What gave you the idea to self-harm?
- People I deal with on a constant basis. Everyday there was someone who made me feel inferior by teasing or controlling my actions. I needed to escape, to punish myself because I deserved it for being so worthless to people.

What did you use when you first self-harmed?
- A sharp pencil and then scissors.

How severe was your self-harm when you first started?
- Not that severe because I was scared of the pain. But eventually I became bolder with my self-harm.

How did it make you feel when you first self-harmed?
- Happy, because I was able to punish myself.

When was your self-harm at it's worst?
- Towards the end of high school, so 2007-2008.

What times have you turned to self-harm?
- When someone blames me for something or when something disappointing happens to me or when I feel guilty about something.

When did you become addicted to self-harm?
- I'm not sure. I didn't realize that I was addicted until I couldn't control what I was doing. My mind had been disconnected from my body. I was scared when I realized that my mind wanted to stop, but my body kept looking for the pills.

Has there been a time when you haven't been able to go without self-harming?
- Yes, the answer above and one time when I was in school. I forgot what triggered my thoughts of self-harm, but I remember sitting with my group and instead of listening to what they were talking about, I was fidgeting in my seat, thinking about how I wanted to cut my wrist and get that release. When I went to look in my bag for something sharp to cut myself with, I found nothing. I got so antsy with the desperate need, that I used my metal nail filer to provide the feeling of cutting over my skin right in the middle of class. It didn't satisfy me that much, but enough to keep me sated until I got home. But by the time I got home an hour later, the feeling of wanting to self-harm had started to fade away. I still wanted to self-harm, so I forced myself to think how worthless and useless I was and that everyone's lives would be better off without me. That thought process triggered a strong enough response to cut with my scissors and I felt so relieved after that.

Do you judge others who self-harm?
- No. I just feel sad for them, to imagine what they are going through to want to resort to pain and thoughts of suicide.

Are you ashamed that you self-harm?
- No, because it's the only way for me to release my pent-up frustration with myself.

Journal Entry # 3: The Truth About Something People Seem To Always Compliment You On
Me being smart. I'm not sure if they're telling the truth or stereotyping me because I'm Asian. Every single time someone tells me that I'm smart, I feel guilty. There's this horrible, gnawing feeling within me that wants to come out and burst that person's bubble and say that I'm not smart at all. But I keep silent, not because I agree that I am, but because I don't want things to be awkward between us.

I wish I was smart. I wish I was everything people expect me to be. I get disappointed in myself when they see things in me that's not true at all. I can't even pretend to be those things because I know that I'm not that way at all. How do you pretend to be smart when you don't understand the subject? What can I say when I'm asked about my grades? GPA? I feel like I would disappoint all of them if they actally knew the truth.

Journal Entry # 2: What Are The Things You Have Faith In?
Growing up, my family wasn't into religion. In fact, they got scared even at the mention of God or religion. I don't think my family hates religion, it's just we don't need it? But because my family didn't practice any type of religion, I never knew how to have faith in something.

It wasn't until I came upon JYJ's lawsuit with SMent, that I finally had faith in something. I started out knowing JYJ and then DBSK as five. I spent most of my time watching DBSK videos, watching as the five of them interacted like close friends, like brothers. Their relationship with each other looked so strong, that I eventually wanted them to return together. I started to have faith that they would meet again. Even when stans of both sides would state that it'll never happen, that what they had was in the past and the past should stay in the past, I never gave up hope. Their friendship is much stronger and a measly lawsuit can't tear them apart for so long. I will always keep the faith that they'll be together once again, even if it's not on the same stage as five..

Journal Entry # 1: What Was The Last Major Accomplishment You've Had?
I think even more than passing Calculus class, it would have to be realizing what I want to do for the rest of my life. Most people know that I'm majoring in Pharmacy right now and that it's a career that my parents chose for me. I stuck by it, trying to pass all my pre-requisite classes even though I'm really bad at everything pertaining to Science and Math.

I am more of a creative person that likes everything else besides Science and Math. It's not that I can't do well in those subjects, I do fairly well in fact, but it's not interesting to me. I trudged through, even though it was hard. I trudged through, even though it caused me immense stress. I trudged through knowing that if I had a problem, I can't let it show in front of my parents because they expect me to do good and pass. It was really hard. There were times where I broke down from how difficult the classes were and how I was pressured to "hurry" up because my cousins were already in their majoring programs and I'm still trying to finish the classes to get into the program.

I'm not smart. I don't have any studying habits. It takes a long time for me to understand things, but I doubt I'm ADHD. And overall, I procrastinate. I don't think I've ever procrastinated this much when I was in High school. All these factors contribute to the fact that I'm slow in learning than the rest of my classmates. I get angry everytime I realize this. I wish I was on the same level as my classmates. I wish I was smart like my classmates. I wish I had someone that would be with me all the way. But I have no one.

Because of the stress, I decided to de-stress by listening to music and researching astrology. I love astrology. I love looking at my horoscope and birth chart and learning more about myself. For months the answer was right in front of me, but I was so preoccupied with wanting to be an Author and inwardly fighting against becoming a Pharmacist.

It took five years to finally realize that I wanted to become a Psychologist. That is my current accomplishment. My horoscope kept hinting at Psychology, but I always overlooked it as nothing. I thought that there was no way. My birth chart also hinted at becoming a writer and a person that worked with medicine and I only saw those because they were things that I was consciously aware of. It hit me like a bullet train. I always liked questioning a person's motive and actions. I liked asking "What ifs?" and question about the "Whys?" Although I don't like people in general, I'm still curious about them.

Not You
Haven't been seeing you in a while,
with your raven hair and small smile.
Those days when my heart beats rapidly with just one glance at you,
I've been missing it.

I used to tell myself that I finally fell,
but lately what was once the truth,
has been proven a lie.

The unexplainable rush of adrenaline that used to fill my every being,
has completely flatlined.
And these days,
I barely remember how your presence alone affects me so.

Was what I had felt all those months ago,
just one of those fleeting moments?
Lately it's been happening often,
and I thought that you were the perfect one.
But now,
here I sit,
thinking that maybe,
you're just not the one after all.


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